Hey Puddin Pop*!
This morning you were having some gas pains and the solution for that is for you to sleep on your tummy except you didn't want to lay on your tummy in your bassinet so guess what? You ended up on my chest (suprise suprise right?). After some protesting from you, you finally dozed off into a light sleep During one of your awake times you moved your arms around and I ended up with one of your sweet little hands on the side of my chin near my cheek. This has to be one of my favorite moments so far, your little head was tucked under my chin and your little hand on my face. I didn't dare move for fear that you'd move your little hand.
Daddy left for a short trip today so right now we're going it alone and you're asleep. I'm hoping you wake up soon so that you'll sleep tonight because Daddy won't be home until tomorrow sometime and Mommy needs her sleep. However if you'd like to sleep with your head under my chin and your little fingers on my lips for me to kiss at my leisure then I think we can arrange it.
Love,
Mama
*My pet name for Madelyn. Why? Because she's my little pudding pop!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Letter to Madelyn - Month 1
Preface - Dooce does this for her daughter and I have loved reading her entries and I love the idea of doing them for Madelyn. My plan is to start here with the blog and continue to do them until it feels right to stop, even if I need to handwrite one every now and then.
Dear Madelyn,
It was just a month ago that you came into our lives and you have already changed them so much! We had a rough start and I have never been so afraid in my life. I had several medical complications after we were released from the hospital starting with a spinal headache that made me dizzy and nauseous and hurt so bad that I didn't feel safe carrying you, once we had that corrected I had fluid overload and couldn't lay down without feeling like I was drowning and had to go on medication that forced me to have to bottle feed you for several days. During this time I questioned my own strength and ability to be your mom. I was so afraid that I couldn't be the person you needed, that I wasn't physically strong enough to care for you. Luckily by the end of our first week I was healthy, you were healthy and we were back on track. It's almost like I missed an entire week.
We spent the first two and a half weeks of your life with you sleeping on my chest at night, I loved every minute of it. I felt that it was the one thing I could do as your Mommy, I could hold you and love you and snuggle you and make everything OK and I could do all of that despite what was going on with my body. I could wake up and smell your sweet little head any time I wanted and to feel your staccato breaths made my heart melt. This early sleeping arrangement hasn't hindered you at all from sleeping in your bassinet and you go down regularly for 4 hours of solid sleep every night.
During your first month you have grown so much and shown us your personality. You love your mobile and the music it plays. You fight day time naps with all your might but once I get you to sleep you sleep like a log and nothing can wake you up. You love riding in the car or your stroller...riding being the key phrase. As soon as you stop moving you have no use for the stroller or car seat and you start screaming until we move again. You love to look around and see new things. You hold your head up so well and I know that once you are crawling around there will be no stopping you. I'm not ready for you to grow up that fast so lets take these next couple of months a little slower OK?
We have learned each others subtle cues and when you look up at me with those big blue eyes I absolutely melt. I can't remember what life was like before you and I don't ever want to live life without you. Yesterday I tried to read to you and couldn't get through the following phrase without crying. "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always." Nothing could be more true.
I love you baby girl,
Mama.
Dear Madelyn,
It was just a month ago that you came into our lives and you have already changed them so much! We had a rough start and I have never been so afraid in my life. I had several medical complications after we were released from the hospital starting with a spinal headache that made me dizzy and nauseous and hurt so bad that I didn't feel safe carrying you, once we had that corrected I had fluid overload and couldn't lay down without feeling like I was drowning and had to go on medication that forced me to have to bottle feed you for several days. During this time I questioned my own strength and ability to be your mom. I was so afraid that I couldn't be the person you needed, that I wasn't physically strong enough to care for you. Luckily by the end of our first week I was healthy, you were healthy and we were back on track. It's almost like I missed an entire week.
We spent the first two and a half weeks of your life with you sleeping on my chest at night, I loved every minute of it. I felt that it was the one thing I could do as your Mommy, I could hold you and love you and snuggle you and make everything OK and I could do all of that despite what was going on with my body. I could wake up and smell your sweet little head any time I wanted and to feel your staccato breaths made my heart melt. This early sleeping arrangement hasn't hindered you at all from sleeping in your bassinet and you go down regularly for 4 hours of solid sleep every night.
During your first month you have grown so much and shown us your personality. You love your mobile and the music it plays. You fight day time naps with all your might but once I get you to sleep you sleep like a log and nothing can wake you up. You love riding in the car or your stroller...riding being the key phrase. As soon as you stop moving you have no use for the stroller or car seat and you start screaming until we move again. You love to look around and see new things. You hold your head up so well and I know that once you are crawling around there will be no stopping you. I'm not ready for you to grow up that fast so lets take these next couple of months a little slower OK?
We have learned each others subtle cues and when you look up at me with those big blue eyes I absolutely melt. I can't remember what life was like before you and I don't ever want to live life without you. Yesterday I tried to read to you and couldn't get through the following phrase without crying. "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always." Nothing could be more true.
I love you baby girl,
Mama.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Where did the time go?
Wow. I can't believe it's been over a month since I had Madelyn. My life has changed so much yet I feel like I have had this life for so long I don't remember another time. I am slowly but surely regaining some of my "me time" so there should be more blogging in the future including a letter to Madelyn for her 1 month birthday.
This parenting thing is hard. I know that I'm making the best decisions I can regarding my daughter, but every single day I second guess myself. I know it's the lack of sleep (which I'm happy to say is quickly mending itself) and the sheer stress of having a new baby. I've tried very hard not to "spoil" her but she loves to be held and I just can't let her cry forever so we hold her. She does well for short periods of time on her own, but sometimes I think she just gets bored, can a 1 month old get bored already? I'm certain she can.
Next week I'm going back to work. It's going to be a difficult transition on both of us. Luckily it's part time and I can take her with me so it won't be too awful traumatic on me. I have separation anxiety worse than she ever will I think. I can't stand to be in one room while somebody is taking care of her in the other room. I might have a problem. I don't care. I love that little girl more than life itself and no sacrifice is too great for her.
This parenting thing is hard. I know that I'm making the best decisions I can regarding my daughter, but every single day I second guess myself. I know it's the lack of sleep (which I'm happy to say is quickly mending itself) and the sheer stress of having a new baby. I've tried very hard not to "spoil" her but she loves to be held and I just can't let her cry forever so we hold her. She does well for short periods of time on her own, but sometimes I think she just gets bored, can a 1 month old get bored already? I'm certain she can.
Next week I'm going back to work. It's going to be a difficult transition on both of us. Luckily it's part time and I can take her with me so it won't be too awful traumatic on me. I have separation anxiety worse than she ever will I think. I can't stand to be in one room while somebody is taking care of her in the other room. I might have a problem. I don't care. I love that little girl more than life itself and no sacrifice is too great for her.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Not enough words
I've thought several times about how to write how I am feeling as a new mother and every time I start I find myself at a loss for words. I just don't know where to start, how to start, or even the word to start with. It's amazing. It continues to amaze me how much love I feel for this little bundle of life that has come into our lives. Is it tiring and stressful? Yes. Is it rewarding? Yes. Is it awesome? Yes. Is it mind numbingly monotonous? Yes.
This past weekend we had our first night out after having Madelyn. It was for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball, an event I just couldn't miss. My parents came into town to watch her and to say that I missed her for the 7.5 hours that we were apart is an understatement. By the end of the night my heart ached for her. I just wanted to be at home to smell her sweet little head, to kiss her sweet little cheeks and to hold that little hand. I fought back tears several times throughout the night and looked at pictures of her. I think that this moment, this time away from her, the emotions that ran with it define how I feel.
I simply can't live without her. I don't remember life before having her. She is a part of my heart, a part of my soul and on day 1 I was completely smitten with this love.
She is an awesome baby. We had a rough start due to some medical issues on my part (a whole different post) but now we're in the swing of things and she is not fussy or crabby, but happy and opinionated. She will let you know if she doesn't like something but is very easily soothed. When she turns her head to the sound of my voice it's all I can do to not rush over and grab her and smoosh her. It's a miracle her face isn't chapped from all of the kisses she gets from me. I can't hold her without kissing her.
I know that it's considered poor parenting but while we were in the hospital and shortly after I suffered a horrible headache from complications with my epidural and we fell into a pattern of her sleeping on my chest while I sat propped up in bed after her midnight feeding*. The other night we didn't do that and I dreamt of holding her and was sad when I woke up in a comfortable position with her in her bassinet.
I will try to update more, I will post more as I find the words and sometimes even when I can't find the words.
Parenthood is such a blessing and I am so glad to be on this journey with such a beautiful baby girl.
*Please don't give me any crap about sleeping with my daughter, I can assure you that I have her safety in mind and she is in no danger by sleeping on her mommy's chest.
This past weekend we had our first night out after having Madelyn. It was for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball, an event I just couldn't miss. My parents came into town to watch her and to say that I missed her for the 7.5 hours that we were apart is an understatement. By the end of the night my heart ached for her. I just wanted to be at home to smell her sweet little head, to kiss her sweet little cheeks and to hold that little hand. I fought back tears several times throughout the night and looked at pictures of her. I think that this moment, this time away from her, the emotions that ran with it define how I feel.
I simply can't live without her. I don't remember life before having her. She is a part of my heart, a part of my soul and on day 1 I was completely smitten with this love.
She is an awesome baby. We had a rough start due to some medical issues on my part (a whole different post) but now we're in the swing of things and she is not fussy or crabby, but happy and opinionated. She will let you know if she doesn't like something but is very easily soothed. When she turns her head to the sound of my voice it's all I can do to not rush over and grab her and smoosh her. It's a miracle her face isn't chapped from all of the kisses she gets from me. I can't hold her without kissing her.
I know that it's considered poor parenting but while we were in the hospital and shortly after I suffered a horrible headache from complications with my epidural and we fell into a pattern of her sleeping on my chest while I sat propped up in bed after her midnight feeding*. The other night we didn't do that and I dreamt of holding her and was sad when I woke up in a comfortable position with her in her bassinet.
I will try to update more, I will post more as I find the words and sometimes even when I can't find the words.
Parenthood is such a blessing and I am so glad to be on this journey with such a beautiful baby girl.
*Please don't give me any crap about sleeping with my daughter, I can assure you that I have her safety in mind and she is in no danger by sleeping on her mommy's chest.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
The Birth of Madelyn – the clinical side
Here is the clinical part of the labor and delivery of Madelyn. I'll post a more emotional/pretty story later. Things around here have obviously been crazy and my postpartum experience wasn't exactly normal or easy so it really just feels like I'm ending my first week home with Madelyn when it's actually been 2.
On Tuesday, October 23, after a dinner with friends at Carrabas Chris and I checked into the hospital. Our nurse, Sally, greeted us and asked us to wait while they finished getting our room ready. It was a busy night in labor and delivery but we only had to wait about 20 minutes after arrival. We went through the check-in process and at around 1 a.m. I received my first dose of cervadil. I was barely dialated and still 75% effaced. After 4 hours of restless sleep they checked me again and I hadn’t changed so I received a second dose of cervadil. This time I started having mild contractions and back labor kicked in. 4 hours later there still wasn’t any change, it was about 11 a.m. by this point and my parents had arrived. I received a third dose of cervadil and was in a good deal of pain from the back labor. There just wasn’t a comfortable position I could find. At this point the doctors started discussing our plan of action since I wasn’t progressing. They wanted to start the pitocin and then possibly break my water. I knew that I wanted my epidural before the broke my water so we discussed that option.
At about 3 they started a pitocin drip and we talked about the “bag of tricks” to try to get me to progress into labor. One option was to insert a balloon type thing into my cervix and inflate it, forcing my cervix open. The next was to break my water. I asked for my epidural before anything else happened.
At about 4 the anesthesiologist arrived to give me my epidural. She tried to insert it a little higher than usual because of my tattoo and the fact that some inks can be caustic. It didn’t work, I had electrical shocks all up and down my left leg. She pulled it out and went in a little lower. This time it took and I finally had some relief in my back. At about 5:30 we started emptying the “bag of tricks” starting with the billy bulb in my cervix. I had a lot of bleeding so that came out about 15 minutes later. Then they decided to break my water. This moved Madelyn into position a little better, but I still didn’t dialate. Once my water was broken they inserted two devices, one to measure Madelyn’s heart rate and the other to register the strength of my contractions. We learned that I was having heavy contractions one on top of the other and it wasn’t allowing Madelyns heart rate to even out. They stopped the pitocin drip and we started discussing the c-section. At about 9:45, still only 1 cm dialated and with an empty “bag of tricks” the call was made to perform the c-section. It wasn’t an emergency but the chances of me laboring any longer and progressing any more was slim to none and so to the operating table I went.
Chris stood and watched the entire procedure while I laid there trying to focus on the sensations, waiting to hear the words that she was OK and to hear her first cries. There wasn't any pain and Chris kept touching my head and trying to keep his conversation at a minimum after commenting on how cool it was that they saudered as they went and and getting an evil look from me.
At 10:43 p.m., our beautiful daughter was born.
On Tuesday, October 23, after a dinner with friends at Carrabas Chris and I checked into the hospital. Our nurse, Sally, greeted us and asked us to wait while they finished getting our room ready. It was a busy night in labor and delivery but we only had to wait about 20 minutes after arrival. We went through the check-in process and at around 1 a.m. I received my first dose of cervadil. I was barely dialated and still 75% effaced. After 4 hours of restless sleep they checked me again and I hadn’t changed so I received a second dose of cervadil. This time I started having mild contractions and back labor kicked in. 4 hours later there still wasn’t any change, it was about 11 a.m. by this point and my parents had arrived. I received a third dose of cervadil and was in a good deal of pain from the back labor. There just wasn’t a comfortable position I could find. At this point the doctors started discussing our plan of action since I wasn’t progressing. They wanted to start the pitocin and then possibly break my water. I knew that I wanted my epidural before the broke my water so we discussed that option.
At about 3 they started a pitocin drip and we talked about the “bag of tricks” to try to get me to progress into labor. One option was to insert a balloon type thing into my cervix and inflate it, forcing my cervix open. The next was to break my water. I asked for my epidural before anything else happened.
At about 4 the anesthesiologist arrived to give me my epidural. She tried to insert it a little higher than usual because of my tattoo and the fact that some inks can be caustic. It didn’t work, I had electrical shocks all up and down my left leg. She pulled it out and went in a little lower. This time it took and I finally had some relief in my back. At about 5:30 we started emptying the “bag of tricks” starting with the billy bulb in my cervix. I had a lot of bleeding so that came out about 15 minutes later. Then they decided to break my water. This moved Madelyn into position a little better, but I still didn’t dialate. Once my water was broken they inserted two devices, one to measure Madelyn’s heart rate and the other to register the strength of my contractions. We learned that I was having heavy contractions one on top of the other and it wasn’t allowing Madelyns heart rate to even out. They stopped the pitocin drip and we started discussing the c-section. At about 9:45, still only 1 cm dialated and with an empty “bag of tricks” the call was made to perform the c-section. It wasn’t an emergency but the chances of me laboring any longer and progressing any more was slim to none and so to the operating table I went.
Chris stood and watched the entire procedure while I laid there trying to focus on the sensations, waiting to hear the words that she was OK and to hear her first cries. There wasn't any pain and Chris kept touching my head and trying to keep his conversation at a minimum after commenting on how cool it was that they saudered as they went and and getting an evil look from me.
At 10:43 p.m., our beautiful daughter was born.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Introducing Froggybaby
Born: 10/24/07 - 10:43 p.m.
Weight: 7lbs 1.2 oz
Length: 20.5 inches
Birth story to follow soon.
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