I have always been the type of person who believes everything happens for a reason and that things happen when they are supposed to and that we shouldn’t force things. This sometimes makes me feel like I’m not taking control of my life as much as I should, but then would I be truly happy if I forced something I wasn’t sure was supposed to happen? We don’t always know what’s best, or what we truly want. I don’t speak of religion often, I am a Christian and believe that ultimately it is all in God’s plan. It’s this fact and belief that is probably the most prevalent in my life.
I don’t always know what I want, I know what I think I want, what I think is best and then something else happens and I realize that I didn’t really need that other thing anyway because this new thing is so much better and is perfect for me. This gives me a positive outlook because if something doesn’t happen then it’s not meant to.
I’m fighting this battle with myself right now. I want a child, I want to be a parent, I want to share parenthood with my husband…yet months come and go without pregnancy. I am willing to do a few things to encourage pregnancy, but only because we knew I wasn’t ovulating on my own due to taking a certain birth control shot. It’s been a year. Until just over a year ago I had accepted and had always believed that it wasn’t meant for me to be a mom and then the chips fell and I wanted it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. I’ve tried being relaxed about it and then two months ago I tried medications (I know, I know, two months is NOTHING but still). The medications that make me ovulate make me a crazy, overly emotional wreck who can’t stand herself and I’m not willing to do that to my husband on a monthly basis. Because a crazy emotional wreck is not sexy and becomes something you don’t want to touch with a 10 foot pole, much less make a baby with.
So, how far do I go, how long do I wait before I just accept once again that maybe I’m not meant to be a mom? How many tests do I take, do I have my husband take to possibly only find out that nothing is wrong, we’re just not meant to have a baby right now – maybe not ever? Do I want to force a baby on our relationship, on our family, on our life when it’s not supposed to happen?