Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Decisions of craziness

So we've decided to stop stressing, to stop the chlomid, and to just let things happen. We're happier that way, our marriage is happier that way, and our life is a much better quality which is what is truly important.

I am at peace with this decision. We actually made this decision at the beginning of February but I wasn't sure that I could handle the not fighting for what I want. I know now that it was the best decision we could have ever made, for ourselves, for our marriage, and for our future child.

Some people can handle the stress and the hormones without doing more harm to themselves, I'm not one of those people and I was forcing myself into a place that was unnatural for me, a place that I didn't know existed and it was ugly. It was mornings yelling at my husband because he hadn't knocked me up and once again another month was wasted. I can't believe that I ever felt that any time was wasted in this life. That isn't me. I was on the lowest dose and it was making me a crazy woman on the highest level. I can't imagine getting worse. It was beyond emotional, it was beyond a few unexplainable tears, it was beyond my control. I have taken back control and I love it.

My husband suffered more than I did. He was on the receiving end of all of my tyrades, tears, and screaming. There was no reasonable explanation for why I was acting the way I was. He was helpless, he tried so hard to make me happy, to hold me but I was so angry and so crazy that I couldn't see that. He would hide away waiting for me to fall asleep and then try to be sweet the next morning and I would push him away because I woke up angry and hurtful. It would taper off by the end of the month and we'd have a glimmer of our marriage, but those first 3 weeks were miserable and then I would do it all over again because I wanted a baby. I finally saw that it wasn't worth it. Nothing is worth what I put my husband through, what I put myself through and how I felt during those three months.

One month off and we're happy. We're ourselves again and I can see clearly through the fog that love and happiness are more important than anything else.

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