To: The Body of Frog E. Mama
Re: Workload and tasks
It has come to my attention that during this pregnancy a few of you have decided to slack off (I’m looking at you glutes!) and this is unacceptable.. I’m an equal opportunity employer and feel that it is unfair for uterus to do all the work, she has been working overtime for the past 23 weeks and it’s time the rest of you chipped in and did something for me.
“Womanly parts” will have time off in preparation for their laborious task (labor…haha get it?) that will happen in approximately 17 weeks. I expect them to train for this task and in training discover a way to transfer all pain into fat burning.
The rest of you? Here are your assignments:
Spleen - starting immediately, right now, working on an owners manual for baby. This manual will include, but is not limited to, whether or not she prefers bouncing to swinging, her optimal sleep times, how many times a day she will pee/poop, and any allergies. This will make my planning so much easier. Said manual is due a month before baby arrives and there should be a sticky on the front with the exact delivery date and time. (She hangs out on the right side, I'm sure you can chat her up, bribe her with promises of sensitive places to kick)
Glutes – you will work on disliking fat and finding a way to eliminate all traces of it, you will share said knowledge with the thigh and abs department but keep it under wraps from the boobs. This is an ongoing task and I expect to see results on a monthly basis.
Stomach – you will help spleen in determining baby’s allergies, you will do this by processing all food matter and not storing any fat from said foods. The glutes department will thank you and will throw you an ice cream party.
Nose – you will stop working so hard to smell foul odors, this does not allow me to give stomach proper materials to work with just because you think something doesn’t smell “yummy”. Work on finding the good in things and I promise to use the neti pot when you get stopped up.
Liver – Not only have you not been given any extra tasks, but you also lost your very important task of processing my alcohol consumption so now you must create energy. I need more energy to do things like wash behind my ears and roll over an extra time each night.
Appendix – We all know that you are useless. I don’t know what you’re doing hiding over there in the supply closet but you must now figure out a way to let me sleep. You will work with Liver on this task so that you’re not making me sleep while Liver is feeding me energy. I will not tolerate the two of you not working together.
All complaints can be directed to the rectum where they will be properly disposed of.