Letter to Madelyn - Month 1

Preface - Dooce does this for her daughter and I have loved reading her entries and I love the idea of doing them for Madelyn. My plan is to start here with the blog and continue to do them until it feels right to stop, even if I need to handwrite one every now and then.

Dear Madelyn,

It was just a month ago that you came into our lives and you have already changed them so much! We had a rough start and I have never been so afraid in my life. I had several medical complications after we were released from the hospital starting with a spinal headache that made me dizzy and nauseous and hurt so bad that I didn't feel safe carrying you, once we had that corrected I had fluid overload and couldn't lay down without feeling like I was drowning and had to go on medication that forced me to have to bottle feed you for several days. During this time I questioned my own strength and ability to be your mom. I was so afraid that I couldn't be the person you needed, that I wasn't physically strong enough to care for you. Luckily by the end of our first week I was healthy, you were healthy and we were back on track. It's almost like I missed an entire week.

We spent the first two and a half weeks of your life with you sleeping on my chest at night, I loved every minute of it. I felt that it was the one thing I could do as your Mommy, I could hold you and love you and snuggle you and make everything OK and I could do all of that despite what was going on with my body. I could wake up and smell your sweet little head any time I wanted and to feel your staccato breaths made my heart melt. This early sleeping arrangement hasn't hindered you at all from sleeping in your bassinet and you go down regularly for 4 hours of solid sleep every night.

During your first month you have grown so much and shown us your personality. You love your mobile and the music it plays. You fight day time naps with all your might but once I get you to sleep you sleep like a log and nothing can wake you up. You love riding in the car or your stroller...riding being the key phrase. As soon as you stop moving you have no use for the stroller or car seat and you start screaming until we move again. You love to look around and see new things. You hold your head up so well and I know that once you are crawling around there will be no stopping you. I'm not ready for you to grow up that fast so lets take these next couple of months a little slower OK?

We have learned each others subtle cues and when you look up at me with those big blue eyes I absolutely melt. I can't remember what life was like before you and I don't ever want to live life without you. Yesterday I tried to read to you and couldn't get through the following phrase without crying. "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always." Nothing could be more true.

I love you baby girl,

Mama.

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