I've thought several times about how to write how I am feeling as a new mother and every time I start I find myself at a loss for words. I just don't know where to start, how to start, or even the word to start with. It's amazing. It continues to amaze me how much love I feel for this little bundle of life that has come into our lives. Is it tiring and stressful? Yes. Is it rewarding? Yes. Is it awesome? Yes. Is it mind numbingly monotonous? Yes.
This past weekend we had our first night out after having Madelyn. It was for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball, an event I just couldn't miss. My parents came into town to watch her and to say that I missed her for the 7.5 hours that we were apart is an understatement. By the end of the night my heart ached for her. I just wanted to be at home to smell her sweet little head, to kiss her sweet little cheeks and to hold that little hand. I fought back tears several times throughout the night and looked at pictures of her. I think that this moment, this time away from her, the emotions that ran with it define how I feel.
I simply can't live without her. I don't remember life before having her. She is a part of my heart, a part of my soul and on day 1 I was completely smitten with this love.
She is an awesome baby. We had a rough start due to some medical issues on my part (a whole different post) but now we're in the swing of things and she is not fussy or crabby, but happy and opinionated. She will let you know if she doesn't like something but is very easily soothed. When she turns her head to the sound of my voice it's all I can do to not rush over and grab her and smoosh her. It's a miracle her face isn't chapped from all of the kisses she gets from me. I can't hold her without kissing her.
I know that it's considered poor parenting but while we were in the hospital and shortly after I suffered a horrible headache from complications with my epidural and we fell into a pattern of her sleeping on my chest while I sat propped up in bed after her midnight feeding*. The other night we didn't do that and I dreamt of holding her and was sad when I woke up in a comfortable position with her in her bassinet.
I will try to update more, I will post more as I find the words and sometimes even when I can't find the words.
Parenthood is such a blessing and I am so glad to be on this journey with such a beautiful baby girl.
*Please don't give me any crap about sleeping with my daughter, I can assure you that I have her safety in mind and she is in no danger by sleeping on her mommy's chest.