Defeated

Ever have one of those days where you just feel defeated? I'm having one of those weeks. Madelyn's not sleeping, I'm not sleeping and therefore my house is a disaster. We still don't have a working dishwasher so the more I don't clean the crazier the kitchen gets and it seems like it only takes one meal for things to get crazy...so the kitchen is the only thing I've been getting to because it seems that Madelyns mood is directly related to how much stuff she can mess up lately. The more I clean/organize/fold clothes the more she is messing up 10 feet away. I get so frustrated with her and the situation and then I get upset with myself for not having enough patience. I feel defeated by my own inabilities. I question my ability to be a stay at home mom. I don't know that I'm cut out for it. Madelyn needs more than I think I can give her sometimes. I worry daily about if something I am doing is holding her back, keeping her from being her best, not allowing her to really reach her full potential. I don't want to work and I don't want to give up our time together but it's not about me...well, it is. I just wonder if she and I wouldn't have more happier time that isn't struggling between me trying to do chores and her trying to destroy the house if we spent a little time apart.

It doesn't help that she hasn't been feeling well at all this week, and I don't know why so I don't know how to help her except to snuggle and try to do all I can.

Today she spent a few hours at the drop off day care on base while I went to a dr. appt. She did well and I think this is really good option for us. It's only $4/hour and I'm hoping that maybe I can work in a couple hours a week of just me time and time for her to play without me and to get structure from an outside source.

I don't mean this to be a woe is me post, but just a bit of a vent about why things have been so blah around here. I'm hopeful that a beautiful weekend will be just the cure we all need.