I knew I wanted to breastfeed my child(ren) from the moment I ever thought of having a child. It was the one thing I was sure of as a parent. After I had Madelyn there were some complications and I really had to fight to keep up my milk supply while she was on formula exclusively for 3 days, but I did it. I fought, I drank Mother's Milk tea, ate oatmeal and finally produced enough for my baby.
Somedays nursing her was our calm in the crazy. We've always been on the go and with moving and meeting new people I knew that whenever she and I would sit and she would nurse that she could look in my eyes and know that our love and bond had never and would never change. It was special. I would rub her little feet and touch her little face as she reached up to my face and rubbed my chest. It was our time. It was something that nobody else could have.
At 12 months I toyed with the idea of weaning her but with more moving in our future I just couldn't take away that constant comfort. I know that it comforted me as much as it did her, some days after missing Chris or a particularly rough day between her and I, the entire stress would melt away as I looked into those beautiful eyes and knew that she was at peace nursing at my breast in pure unadulturated satisfaction.
I never thought that I would be nursing her at 20 months. I always joked that when she was old enough to walk up and ask for it I'd stop. Then she walked up and asked for it and I couldn't deny her. At 17 months she got a horrible stomach virus and stopped eating. The only thing she would do is nurse. I don't know what we would have done during that time if I hadn't continued to nurse, it was her comfort with the side effect of nurishment.
On Monday night I nursed my baby for the last time. I didn't really plan on it being the last time but I think we both knew. She looked into my eyes for longer than usual and stroked my face and stomach and she dozed and drank and looked like nothing else in the world existed in that moment except for her and I. It was beautiful and special.
I honestly don't know that either of us was ready for the transition. I know I wasn't. I didn't want to give it up, but I had to. I have to take medicine that really shouldn't go to her so in order to take care of myself I had to wean.
Last night I put her to bed without nursing and together we held one another and cried ourselves to sleep.