Friday, March 19, 2010

Ton of bricks - nsfbs

The nsfbs in the title indicates that this post is Not Safe For Bonnie's Sanity. She will choose to read it at her own risk. I cannot be held accountable. If your husband is deployed or deploying soon, it may not be safe for you either. Enter at your own risk.

I started writing these deployment posts as they were happening, in the interest of opsec (operational security) they haven't been posted in real time. As the posts and events get more general, they'll be a little more up to date. As of this posting, Chris has already deployed.

The other day I had a conversation wherein I disclosed to my dear friend that I was feeling very indifferent about Chris' departure. I wasn't feeling the sense of dread I expected, I was just going about my business as if the 7 month deployment to a war zone was just another week in the field. It was kind of nice. I was proud of how strong I was being, although a little sad that I could be so heartless. Was this what 10 years of marriage had done to me? Turned me into a heartless wife who could handle things without her husband so she didn't care if he was there or not?


Apparently, 10 days before departure is my breaking point. I broke down and it was ugly. There was fighting, there was screaming, there was tears, and now there's the undeniable sense of dread. I had a horrible dream that filled with me so much anxiety that I'm almost afraid to go to sleep. I dreamt that I was a Marine, that I was getting ready to deploy to war and I was terrified. I was completely unprepared and I realized that I wasn't going to have my partner to go through it with me. I was worried about blisters from my boots, about being shot at, about artillery going off and me being scared. I believe that this dream came to me in order for me to understand a bit of what my husband is feeling. I'm not saying that he is afraid, but I can't imagine a scenario in which he wouldn't be at least a little nervous. The day I broke down is also the day that we found out that somebody we know had been shot in the leg in the exact war zone my husband is flying in to. The injured Marine is OK and should make a full recovery, but it still slapped me across the face with a little reality.


I have blogged about my experiences during deployment before, but I did them after the fact. Now that life is a little different and I have a daughter to think about I want to write out these things as they happen for her to look back on and to see where she came from and the strength exhibited by our family during this time, I want her to be proud.

As for Chris, I can't imagine what he is feeling right now, preparing to leave us for so long to such a harsh place. His daughter will be 3 when he returns and will have matured and grown from toddler to child. I hope that through pictures, letters, and the rare phone call that he will be able to watch her grow and feel close to us despite the miles.

I cry at the very thought of our goodbyes, I cry at the thought of 7 months worth of mornings, nights, and days without my partner, of Madelyn without her daddy. I cry because I can. I cry because I can't do anything but cry. Then I laugh. I laugh at the tears, at the fact that I cry because of a commercial, I laugh. The laughter will keep me sane. The laughter will drown out the pain.

4 comments:

Candace said...

I'm praying for you... and Amber... and Bonnie... and the other wives, who I don't know whose husbands are deployed into the war zones... I can't imagine what you guys must be going through. You have temendous strength and courage.

Tammy said...

Praying for you girlfriend!

Tammy said...

Praying for you girlfriend!

Bonnie said...

I know how you feel. I was the same way, up until the day before he left I was fine. Then the day before I kind of started getting the dread, and the day of... well, it was horrible. But I guess that's how we deal. If we start thinking and dreading too soon we'd drive ourselves crazy!